and so it begins...

I had a feeling about this year. Certainly it hasn’t been a ho hum year so far.

The last half of 2008 was bumpy. Moved into an awesome studio space. Got closer to a girlfriend who lives far away (Amazing). She had to go back home. (B00) Got closer still to other girlfriends who live in Van. (Really wonderful) Got dumped by someone who wasn’t right for me. (Still sucked though). Single again. (Fine) Prospects in dirtbag climbing town, um, few and far between. (Not so fine) The shortage of interesting and intelligent converstation and stimulii was definitely getting to me.

I got really down. Not suicidal but definitely NOT happy. I needed to get away for a bit so off to Toronto I went.

When I came back here after my most recent visit home to TO, I was positive that this was going to be my last winter in Squamish. I was done. Fed up. Tired of the grey skies and incessant rain. Feeling my brain scream at me for underuse. Mad at this small place for not being the Parkdale I loved.

But I told myself that as long as I lived here, I had to really BE here. And that has helped me be happy again. In considering the possibility of leaving, I’ve given myself the space to really savour and treasure all the moments and things that I do love about being here. Things like the castle from my window, a suprise sunny weekend of outdoor climbing in January and running by the sound with a view of the Chief, just seconds from my front door.

What I love most though about Squamish is the crew I have here. There’s a small group of strange and wonderful folk who I jokingly say, are saving my life.

I don’t know how this year will unfold or where I’ll end up. But so far, the year of the ox is off to a good start.

musings - madly emotional

No desire to hit the Vancouver night life, not stoked on the climbing gyms. They just don't have the same feel as the gyms back east.

Trying to picture myself commuting downtown from the Annex, or parkdale. High park or the college/ossington area are both cool but pretty far.

I loved cabbagetown when I lived there, but i left an Ex there who may not appreciate having me back in the neighbourhood!

Queen/Leslie was up and coming at the time as well. Too close to the railroad tracks? i could actually save towards buying a house!

I am already manifesting signs of stress: clenching my jaw and biting my fingernails. arrrgh!

Musings - the methodical & logical approach

Musings about a return to Toronto. I need to figure out what I was expecting when I moved to Vancouver, and define my expectations

I follow my gut feeling, and my gut wants to live in Toronto.

Being a Project Manager, I have a very methodical approach to decision making. I need to define the goals and expectations for moving my life back to Toronto, and then dive into risk identification. What could possibly go wrong? Project selection mode, is this a project I am willing to undertake? What's the ROI?

After three years, I can admit that life in Vancouver is not the big dream I had imagined. I am cautious not to assign a Big Dream to life in Toronto - gotta be realistic.

Mildly scared of the "giving up" nature of leaving the west coast. Since I've started entertaining the idea of moving back, I look at Vancouver with disdain for the imperfect things, and with sadness at the things I've grown to love.

I love my apartment. I wake up and see snow covered mountains. It's great to have my own space though I know I can be happy in my own space wherever I go now. I don't want to take this for granted.

I expect to be using this blog to try to make sense of the spinning thoughts towards the decision to leave home to go home.